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Do you think that you are a perfectionist? If so, don’t fret. It’s a fairly common set of traits that many people share – especially the highly successful. As outlined in the previous post, perfectionism is not a state of being that should be continually present in our lives as it is potentially damaging to both our physical and mental health. Far better to be an adaptable high achiever, who can flex with the ups and the downs, than a rigid perfectionist who constantly feels like a failure.
For those with perfectionist traits it’s important, and indeed very possible, to find strategies to manage these behaviors so that you can learn to live life in a more enjoyable and fulfilled state. Letting go of some of these traits does not mean that you will allow your standards to slip. Quite the opposite in fact.
Adjusting behaviours that have been present in our lives for years can take time and effort but the benefits to us as individuals, and our loved ones, friends and colleagues, can be very significant.
Perfectionism Traits
As outlined in the previous article, many perfectionists have an inaccurate view of what others expect of them. They constantly feel pressure from others to behave and perform in a certain way, yet when asked in detail about where this pressure is coming from specifically they struggle to articulate this. They often assume the worst of others as they constantly strive to move away from the negative place of failure, constantly being measured and compared to being perfect.
These limiting beliefs are at the center of the issues associated with perfectionism. These false assumptions form the core of an inaccurate belief system that sits are the heart of the perfectionist. If it was possible to summarize these beliefs on a sheet of paper, rather like a shopping list, it would be remarkable to see how many things the perfectionist wrongly makes assumptions about and how many unrealistic expectations they hold about themselves.
For example:
My colleagues want me to mess up so that they can laugh at me.
If I don’t do everything perfectly, everyone will think that I am a failure.
I have to get everything right all of the time, otherwise people will think that I am useless.
I have to be the perfect parent otherwise people will make judgements about me and my kids will be destined to be failures in adulthood.
If you are feeling brave grab some paper and jot down some of the beliefs that you hold about yourself and your need to be perfect. What do they tell you?
This is the first place to start, be honest with yourself about what you really believe to be true. If it helps, sit down with someone you trust and discuss them. Are they REALLY true? Ask yourself, do/would you have these expectations of other people?
The First Step to Overcoming Perfectionism…
…is undoubtedly self-forgiveness. Once you are brave enough to begin to face the limiting beliefs that you hold about yourself, you can start to restructure them into something that is more realistic. As outlined previously, this does not mean that you simply give up on challenging yourself. It actually means that reframing a belief to something more tangible and achievable will more likely lead to you successfully achieving it.
For example, you might assume that:
I have to do my job perfectly at all times otherwise people will think that I am useless. This is critical for me to get my next promotion.
This could be reframed to:
It is important to me to do my job well, but no-one is perfect and sometimes I may get things wrong. This is OK. I am competent and know how to correct my mistakes and I know that I have friendly and helpful colleagues who will help and support me. I am worthy of promotion and being human makes me a great leader.
This is about giving yourself permission that you do not have to be perfect all of the time. If you struggle with this, think about this rationally. Can you name someone, anyone, who really was/is perfect? Life is a journey and we learn from our mistakes. Try and see the beauty, joy, and sense of real accomplishment in this. If the greatest minds that ever lived were true perfectionists some of the most important inventions on the planet would never have come into existence.
Flawed Thinking Patterns
Executive Coach Jenny Rogers (Coaching Skills, 4th ed., 2016) outlines the need to identify ‘flawed thinking patterns’. She asserts that many of us will be capable of identifying typically unhelpful behaviors, but far fewer of us will be able to spot our ‘typical thinking pattern’. These patterns are our own interpretation of life and the way that we perceive it. In essence, we all have our own version of the story. It is these default patterns that, like limiting beliefs, are often at the heart of our perfectionism.
Take some time to reflect on this.
Try and notice your thinking reactions to situations – especially ones where you feel particularly challenged. If you struggle with this, sit down and ask someone that you trust: how do you think I usually perceive things?
This will likely shed some light on the way that you think about and therefore approach things. Rogers, outlines some of the most common flawed thinking patterns and many of these relate to perfectionism, for example:
Super-competent-me: I must be super-competent at everything. There is no option, anything else is a disaster. Failure is unthinkable. I am defined by my role. It’s better to do jobs yourself. Do not admit mistakes.
The disciplined perfectionist: I talk about ‘musts’ and ‘shoulds’. I have rigid rules. All rules should be followed by everyone. I judge harshly.
You have to be tough: Life is hard. I have to be hard and look after myself. If I don’t, others will take advantage. Competition is inevitable and healthy. Being vulnerable is a weakness which is fatal.
(Jenny Rogers, 4th Ed., 2016)
Often, the simple act of ‘noticing’ is enough to start behavioral change – but it needs to be practiced regularly. Be conscious of your default thinking pattern, notice it, learn from it and, if you need to, spend some time trying to adjust it to a more balanced place. You could keep a journal of your thoughts and write them down as soon as they appear – do not be tempted to moderate them! It’s important to note them in reality. Alternatively, at the end of the day take some time to reflect on your perfectionist tendencies and note your feelings. Over time, as your awareness increases so too will your ability to switch to a more positive mindset.
Be Self-Forgiving and Forgiving of Others
If you can shift your mindset to one that is more self-forgiving it is equally as important to adopt this approach to others in your life. This may require some changes in the way that you relate to your partner or children because you will need to remember that they aren’t perfect too – and this is absolutely as it should be! Remind yourself that perfection does not exist.
At this point, it may be helpful to review your consumption of social media. Social media makes it too easy to compare ourselves to the notion of the perfect family, the perfect outfit, the perfect house, and come up short every time. Reflect and ask yourself – is this really good use of my time? At the end of the day, the only person that you need to compare yourself to is the person that you would like to become tomorrow. Take life one day at a time, focus on small improvements, and moving forward – the rest will look after itself. Really pay attention to enjoying the journey, don’t spend your time wishing your life away until the goal is achieved.
Be willing to define success on your terms. Set yourself interim goals and celebrate achievements along the way. Don’t leave happiness and fulfilment constantly on the horizon – allow yourself to experience it from time to time.
Ask Yourself: What price do I pay for being a perfectionist?
This is one of the most powerful questions in coaching. To pose this question to yourself is a challenge as it’s usually easier coming from someone else, however it is possible if you’re prepared to be honest. Sure, being a perfectionist might mean that you got to the top of your field quickly, that the kids are always at school on time and dressed immaculately, that the dinner parties you host are something to behold – but what does all this cost you? Really.
Being a perfectionist has its ups and its downs. Grab a sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle. On one side write all the benefits of your perfectionism, on the other write down all the costs.
Be Positive: The 2:1 Ratio
Perfectionists are well known for their ability to spot mistakes and focus on things that need to be ‘fixed’. Often they don’t even notice that they are doing it, so embedded is it in their way of thinking. Sadly, this impacts their ability to see the good stuff. This can be in any respect for their own lives and others. For example, a child presents their homework to their parent, rather than saying “Well done for working so hard on completing it!” they simply point out that they have got one of the questions wrong.
Instead, be deliberate about being positive and noticing the good stuff. Practice this behavior over time and it becomes a habit. Every time you spot something negative, take the time to focus on double the number of positives – the 2:1 Ratio. Have this thought in your mind at all times and practice it, even when it is hard and you don’t want to!
Similarly, every time the narrator in your head berates you for not being good enough, take the time to point out double the amount of good things that you have achieved. Again, this will take time to embed but practicing the habit, even using a journal, will help.
Laugh at the Irony!
Be realistic and laugh at the irony: as a perfectionist, you will want to embed all of these strategies at once and have yourself ‘fixed’ by the end of the day! If only this were true! Be forgiving of yourself, these new behaviors will take time to embed and become habits but if you stick at them they really will make a huge difference to your life. This is not going to happen overnight. Don’t put additional stress on yourself, just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. By reframing your goals to ones that are more incremental and achievable, and measuring success in your own terms you really can conquer the perfectionist within.
Additionally, try not to take yourself too seriously. Practice accepting constructive criticism from others, and adjust your thinking pattern to one that enables you to listen to what is being said – rather than just feeling hurt. Instead, see criticism as a way of improving and reaching your goals at a quicker pace.
Make a Conscious Decision: Be a High Achiever – NOT a Perfectionist
Perfectionists want to get everything right all of the time and be perfect. They beat themselves up. They don’t celebrate success often enough. The traits of the perfectionist can be damaging to our physical health, mental health, and even productivity as procrastination creeps in. They often feel lonely and isolated.
High Achievers on the other hand are far more adaptable and achieve more. They are prepared to accept that they are human and therefore not perfect – and neither is anyone else. Achievers learn from their mistakes and see these experiences as a vital part of the journey. They celebrate success along the way and take others with them. These are the people that change the world.
Which one would you rather be?
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