How to be More Confident and Talk to Anyone

(Reading Time: 5 Minutes)

It’s a situation we’ve all been in.

You want to talk to someone, but you can’t do it.

Your palms are sweaty, your heart’s pounding. You feel flushed.

You’re not listening to the poor soul who’s talking at you. You’re distracted.

Your eyes keep scanning the room to catch a glimpse of them even though you’re trying to be discrete. You’re struggling to muster up the courage to go over there and strike up a witty and charming conversation.

It’s your only chance. But you can’t find the right moment.

You don’t know how.

It could be a networking event, or in a bar, heck – it might even be at the bus stop.

The truth is, you’re scared of making a fool of yourself, and you lack the confidence just to do it.

Read these simple tips below so that you can be more confident and talk to anyone.

How to be More Confident

We all have it within us to talk to anyone.

If you are someone that has struggled with confidence for a while, it’s worth taking the time to read the article on The Ultimate Guide to Confidence Building first as you can use the strategies side by side.

Self-doubt in stressful situations is common. The voice in our heads gets the better of us.  We hold back and subject ourselves to negative personal analysis which stops us from approaching.

The way we feel about ourselves impacts directly on the way we interact with others.  If we feel happy and at ease, conversation flows freely. When we feel anxious and overwhelmed, we clam up.

How to be More Confident: Preparing to Approach People

We need to be conscious of listening to self-doubt. If you linger, it will talk you out of taking action.  By all means, take a breath, but don’t take too long.

1. If you Want to Walk on Water – You Have to Get Out of the Boat

Life is fraught with risks. You have to attempt things. Put simply, if you don’t, you are sure to fail.

These techniques might not work all of the time, but that’s not a reflection of you. The CEO could be dealing with a crisis.  The gorgeous hunk in the juice bar might be a rude jerk.  The celebrity you’ve always admired might be having a bad day.

How they respond is a reflection of them, not you.

Before you even approach, get this straight in your head.  People spend too much time thinking about what others think of them.

The reality is people often think about you very little because they are too busy thinking about themselves. Sound familiar?!

As Aristotle said:

There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.

2.  Feel the Ground Beneath Your Feet

In her phenomenally successful TED Talk, Social Psychologist and Researcher Amy Cuddy outlines the power of body language.

Body language dictates the way we feel about ourselves and the way others perceive us.   If we act powerfully, we will feel more confident and in control, and others notice this.  This is about the presence and not what we say.

In the TED Talk, Cuddy outlines a scientifically proven high-power pose.  It involves taking a wide stance with your arms raised in a ‘V’ above your head.

Note: you should do this in private for a couple of minutes before approaching, not in public.

Before you approach be mindful of your body. Feel the solid ground beneath your feet.  Take a deep breath and focus.  If it helps, put your hands on your hips or, do as Cuddy suggests and sneak off to the bathroom to boost your confidence in private using the raised ‘V’.

Don’t allow your body to become small and hideaway. Hunching, crossing your arms and self-hugging will undermine your confidence.  Be big and be powerful.  Put your head back and look forwards.

Practice this in front of a mirror to look natural.

3. Practice some Self-Compassion to be more confident

Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness you would show others.

It is not about judging or thinking poorly of yourself. It’s about expressing internal warmth, concern, and understanding.

Self-compassion knows we all make mistakes, and we deserve care and kindness even when we mess up.

When we start to feel small, guilty, or ashamed, self-compassion steps in, it replaces self-doubt.

Treat yourself as if you were a close friend or loved one. What would you say to them?

This is good advice.  Follow it.

4. Visualization

Research has shown thoughts are as powerful as actions, and mental imagery affects many cognitive processes.

Visualization involves running through a sequence of events in your mind.

When we visualize, we are training our brain. These practices can improve motivation, memory, confidence, and performance. Professional athletes use these techniques widely.

Build this habit into your life. Regularly practice a simple a mindfulness exercise, take a moment to feel the earth beneath your feet and calm your breathing, imagine yourself in detail, successfully talking to your desired conversation partner.

How to be More Confident: Taking Action

Now that you have your mind in a more positive place, let’s take action and work out how to approach the other person.

5. Build Trust from the Outset

When we meet new people give the right impression from the start.

• Greet people with genuine warmth. Do not underestimate the power of a smile. When you smile warmly and openly, people will immediately connect with you.  You will quickly make them feel at ease
• If appropriate, shake their hand with a comfortably firm grip, look them in the eye, and tell them genuinely that it is a pleasure to meet them. If possible, tell them why, e.g. “I read your last article in X, and I agreed with what you said about Y.” Take care not to be too OTT.
• Think about the speed at which you talk. When you speak too fast people think you’re nervous.  You want people to notice how calm, relaxed, and in control you are, the kind of person they would trust.

6. Build Rapport

Make the other person feel they are the only person in the room.  Keep your eyes focused on them. Don’t let them wander as it makes you appear bored.

Don’t interrupt them.  Use occasional body language, such as nodding, to acknowledge what they’re saying.

Pause before you respond to come across confidently. A second or two is enough.

Creating a teeny ‘thought pause’ makes people assume you are the type of guy or gal that thinks before they speak.

7. Small Talk

Small talk opens the gate to a much more in-depth conversation.  It helps to build trust in the early stages.

When you ask someone questions about themselves, no matter how trivial, it means you are not just talking about yourself. It tells them you think they are important.

Make sure that you ask open-ended questions that require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.  For example, after you have introduced yourself and done the appropriate pleasantries, you could ask:

• What’s been the highlight of your day?
• What do you do in your spare time?
• What do you love most about your job?

The list is endless. It’s a good idea to have 5 of these prepared in advance. Have your responses planned.

8. Make Eye Contact

This can derail people. If you think about it too much, it can become a bigger problem. This needs to be done naturally and instinctively.

Looking people in the eye establishes trust quickly as it tells people that you are honest.

To make eye contact focus on one eye at a time and move back and forth between the two. You can also focus on a spot around the eyes – such as the bridge of the nose or an eyebrow.

Maintain eye contact when you are speaking and listening. Practice this at home.

9.  Enjoy It

Conversing is meant to be fun and enjoyable.  Some of your conversations might feel high stakes when it comes to careers and dating. But if we take ourselves too seriously, our talking partner will notice.

Try and relax. Smile and be confident in yourself.  The more you practice these techniques, the easier talking to anyone will become.

With practise, we can all talk to anyone.  Eventually, things that once paralyzed you with fear will no longer be a big deal.

It’s all about making the other person feel they are important and the center of your attention. Do this with integrity, warmth, and an air of confidence, and there really will be no looking back.