The gentle art of appreciation
(Reading Time: 5 Minutes)
Getting people to do what you want is much simpler than you might think.
The default strategy for most of us is to persuade, beg or even grovel. Some also resort to force and coercion by exerting their power over others.
Yet there is a much simpler technique that when appropriately used, never fails: you simply get the other person to want to do it.
I first encountered this strategy when running a small school for teenagers who had been permanently excluded from mainstream school. They were appallingly behaved, had zero respect for the rules and lessons were incredibly stressful for both the staff and the kids. Then suddenly it dawned on me:
I can’t make them learn, but I can make them want to learn.
And that was the start of a new approach the transformed the school.
Rejection
Previously, they had felt forced and coerced. We were forcibly trying to hammer square pegs into round holes. Their past experiences in mainstream school had been traumatic. They were children, and they had been rejected, discarded and told that they weren’t wanted. Most adults would feel angry and upset at this. It was easy to understand their consequent behaviour.
When I realised that all the students needed was to see things from a different angle, the door opened. Up until that point, education was something that was forced upon them by aggressors who spoke negatively and continually told them how useless they were.
Resentful Compliance
Some of us have worked for a lousy boss and know how ineffectual this strategy is. In the short-term bullying, force and a culture of fear might get things done, but all you’ll get is a culture of resentful compliance. Productivity will be low, and it’s not sustainable in the long term. It’s not fun. It makes people miserable.
All we had to do was give the students what they wanted and needed. Well, that was easy. Throughout their young lives, these kids had never known respect, love, care, kindness and admiration. When we introduced a new approach centred around these principles, it was like turning on a light. Examination results and attendance at school skyrocketed.
Important and Valued
The need to feel important is covered extensively by Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People. Initially published in 1936 it remains as relevant today as it was back then. He explains:
“Almost all …wants [e.g. health, food, sleep, money, life in the hereafter, sexual gratification, the wellbeing of our children, a feeling of importance] are usually gratified – all except one. But there is one longing – almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep – which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls ‘the desire to be great.’ It is what Dewey calls the ‘desire to be important.'” (P19)
This kernel of knowledge, the desire to be important, is the key to truly understanding human relationships and interactions. It is the thing that separates us from animals.
Yet it is the biggest non-secret that continues to be overlooked, under-appreciated and unnoticed by the vast majority of people on the planet.
Universal Success
Its simplistic beauty is that it works anywhere, with anyone from any culture. Of course, you may have to change your strategy to suit different people, and it always needs to be authentic and sincere. But once you learn the art of making others feel important and appreciated, the world will change before your very eyes.
It underpins everything that we do. It’s the reason why people buy private number plates for their car. It’s why people on low incomes purchase the top of the range television on credit even though they can’t afford it. It explains why we feel more confident when we’re dressed smartly, and we’re well-groomed. Although we might not like to admit it, it’s why we’re proud of our kids because they are a reflection of us and that makes us feel important.
Character
Carnegie claims that how we get our feeling of importance is what determines our character and makes us different from one another. Some people can never have enough money no matter how many millions they have stashed in the bank. It allows us to understand why others are motivated by selflessness that is detrimental to their wellbeing. And why some want to be the centre of attention.
Ask yourself what gives me a feeling of importance? Once you understand this, you can use it to guide your decision making and never make the wrong choice again.
Once we can work out where others get their sense of importance, our ability to interact successfully with people improves exponentially. If you can work this out for your partner or spouse, you need never have conflict in your relationship again.
How do you make people feel important?
Stop criticising.
Seek to praise.
Find opportunities to encourage and show appreciation.
Work out their character, find out what makes them tick, and be sincere. This last part is essential.
Authenticity
People who lavish meaningless praise gratuitously are frequently viewed as weak or, worse still, manipulative and untrustworthy. I once worked with a woman who regularly showered me with praise about everything and anything. From the clothes I was wearing, to the whiteness of my teeth, the quality of my work to the upholstery in my cheap car. She drove me up the wall, and I would glaze over when she started. It was hollow, and it meant nothing.
Conversely, I can still recall my favourite teacher of all time, although it’s been 35 years since I sat in her class. Miss Ball had exacting standards, but she was kind and honest. Her admiration was like liquid gold, and we walked on air when she praised us. It was always specific and meaningful, and we knew that we deserved it. As a result, we worked harder to get more of it.
To make someone feel important appreciation and praise has to come from the heart.
Be specific. Point out what you admire the most about them. It might even be something small that they’ve never even noticed themselves.
Gratitude
In situations where you don’t know the other person well, be courteous and show gratitude for their kindness towards you. Why? Well, simply put, it’s a nice thing to do, and you will make their day. Unpleasantness causes lots of problems, but it has yet to solve a single one.
As Maya Angelou said:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
The greatest joy of getting people to do what you want is that you are only a side beneficiary.
References
Carnegie, D., Carnegie, D. and Pell, A., 1936. How To Win Friends And Influence People. Vermillion, London, 2006, p.19.
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