How to talk to your kids about being on lockdown
(Reading Time: 8 Minutes)
I’m sat here watching my eight-year-old wildly spinning circles in our kitchen whilst wearing a pair of swimming goggles, and I’ve got to admit that I’m feeling a little more philosophical than usual tonight.
To say that she has an active imagination would be a blatant understatement. She inhabits a world of endless possibilities. It’s a universe of talking hamsters, of living life as a stone-age man for the afternoon, before transforming into a championship footballer for the evening. It’s a world of vibrant innocence where anything is possible. It’s the life we’ve always wanted her to have and something that we’ve fought hard to create in the digital age where kids seem to grow up too fast.
As we enter our sixth day of complete lockdown and ‘social distancing’ it’s an exhausting delight to be stranded at home with M and her big sister ten-year-old B. It’s a whirlwind of music, coloring, reading, virtual lessons and getting outside to exercise when we can.
The unplanned sabbatical
This unplanned sabbatical from normal existence is, at least for now, an opportunity for us to connect with our kids. Yes, of course, I’m struggling to balance working at home with the new responsibilities I find thrust upon me, but the opportunity to spend some unexpected time with them is not lost. That said, if you ask me how we’re getting on in two weeks you might get a different, less glossy, response as reality starts to bite.
It’s a strange new world and, for now, at least, one that’s imbued with a kind of astonished excitement when seen through the eyes of a child. It’s akin to a ‘snow day’ when the joyful surprise of a change of routine and the cancelling of lessons brings with it the promise of sledging and the building of snowmen. Except this time nobody knows how long it’s going to last and there’s not a flake of snow in sight.
As a teacher of over 20 years, I’m comfortable talking to kids about a wide range of challenging topics and I’m sad to say that I’ve worked with young people countless times who have been exposed to life’s darkest ills. Yet, strangely, I find myself in somewhat unchartered waters.
Why didn’t we think of this?
Over the last few years, my professional repertoire has widened to cover lockdown drills in the event of some armed lunatic breaking in and charging around the premises. We’ve discussed and planned for acid attacks and drive-by’s, rapid exits and even man-eating beasts fiendishly escaping from the local wildlife park. But in our planning, we never thought to include a global pandemic and international lockdown. Until now such a thing would have seemed preposterous.
I think this is where many people find themselves – stuck on some kind of outlandish dystopian movie set. We’re just waiting for the Director to holler “Cut!” at any second. Like a trip to Universal Studios, it’s a fantastic experience to dip your toe into the murky waters of the extraordinary every now and then. We can scare ourselves silly as we’re attacked by killer sharks or chased by rampaging dinosaurs. Yet we walk away unscathed at the end of the day, laughing and joking with excited giggles as we swing via the drive-through on the way home. Now this extraordinary is for real it feels rather different.
The bubble
We’ve done our best to keep a balance for B and M. So far, we’ve answered their questions with honesty but sheltered them from some of the blunt realities currently being broadcast on the news. We’ve told them repeatedly not to worry and that everything’s going to be OK. However, it feels like we’re living in some kind of bubble. The financial implications for our family are significant, but I’m selfishly thankful that our lives haven’t been disturbed by this crisis more in a more profoundly important way. Yet. It concerns me that our bubble could burst.
Earlier, the gloriously colorful M asked me if we were in lockdown because it was ‘….like a real zombie apocalypse”. Then B, the more quietly contemplative of the two, astutely likened the new coronavirus to the great plague of 1665. When I thought about this more deeply, I realized how right they were to compare and contrast current events to the contents of their young minds. For adults, this is hard to deal with. For kids with a more juvenile, less developed frame of reference, which is commonly informed by a kaleidoscope of movies, fantasy, magical stories, and computer games, I realized more than ever how important it is to continue the talking.
Kids don’t need to be overwhelmed by a tidal wave of scientific data, news reporting, and the latest infection and death rates. But they do need to be kept up to speed as they worry less when they understand what’s going on. This is time to cultivate their wild imaginations with creativity, craft, and play, but let’s make sure to use magic, mystery, and beauty as the source. Let’s keep the talk about coronavirus and lockdown well managed and informed but very much sensibly contained.
Here’s what my professional experience has taught me about how to talk to kids in times of acute stress and difficulty.
Start with first things first
As with any kind of crisis, being in the right frame of mind is crucial. Whilst it might be difficult at the moment, you have to deal with your anxiety first. We have to resist the urge to panic. Kids are incredibly perceptive, and they will sense and be concerned by any anxiety you feel. Your fear will become their fear. My kids are terrified of spiders because I am. Yes, I know, my bad. (Well, actually, it’s my mother’s but now is not the time.)
If you’re feeling anxious, take some time to calm down before talking to your child. Check-in with yourself and assess how you’re feeling. If you feel able, sit with your anxieties and try to reason them out by looking at them practically and pragmatically. Enlist help if you need it by talking to a loved one, friend or professional first. Lots of the latter are available for online consultations.
You need to be fully present when talking to your kids – this is their time, not yours.
Switch the light on
Without a doubt, kids are more afraid when they’re kept in the dark. It allows their imaginations to run riot mostly in uncontrolled, unhelpful ways.
Make no bones about it, talking to your kids about coronavirus and lockdown is essential.
This is your opportunity to set the tone and pass on information. Speak calmly and reassure. Create a safe space that enables your children to speak openly about their fears if they choose to. Keep it simple and stick to the facts provided by the professionals. Be their lead informant, and trusted source of information replacing anything they might hear from peers, online or on the news.
Play Follow My Leader
Start by finding out what they know and take it from there. Ask open-ended questions and allow them to speak as much or as little as they like. Listen intently. Active listening is a skill that few of us rarely practice but now is the time. Don’t dismiss their thoughts even though they might be inaccurate and irrational. They are just kids after all.
If your child doesn’t want to talk that much or asks few questions, that’s fine. Let them know that you are there for them if they change their mind.
Be ready to answer questions calmly with simple facts. The point here is to keep things at a manageable level and to avoid the cultivation of frightening fantasies. At this stage, try not to switch into super-hero mode. Allow them to empty their minds of their questions and concerns.
Be age-appropriate
As a professional educator and coach [puffs out chest], I like to pride myself on knowing what to do in times of stress or unpleasantness. The truth is we all mess up from time to time.
Back when the Momo Challenge was doing the rounds I remember talking to my kids about it just in case anything unpleasant crept into their world. We had a straightforward conversation, I reassured them and then they asked to see a picture…..
I’d already decided that I wouldn’t be doing this but, against my better judgment, I acquiesced – albeit in what I thought was a controlled way.
Epic fail.
They still refer to this even now, although thankfully we can laugh about it. All I can say is it took several incidents of 2 am soothing and the technical wizardry of my 14-year-old niece on Snap Chat to explain its creation and undo the damage.
The moral of the story? You are the adult. Be clear of the boundaries and guard them fiercely. This might mean differentiating information if you have a range of ages in your family.
Find a balance between giving too much information and being honest. Answer questions to the best of your ability within the confines of your predetermined boundaries.
The best teachers in the world are those that are most aware of the limits of their knowledge. If you can’t answer something that’s fine tell them so. If appropriate, research it together or tell them you’ll find out and come back to them later.
Tell them about what you, and the rest of the world for that matter, are doing to keep them safe
Whilst it’s not necessary to go all super-hero and don your tights and cape, you should offer your reassurances and make them feel safe.
Talk about the things that you are doing to protect them. Explain why schools have been closed and public gatherings banned. Tell them why you’re staying at home and be clear that it’s not because of some impending zombie apocalypse (M was a little disappointed by this). Be honest but stick to the questions they’ve asked. Don’t over-inform them and fill their minds with things they’d never even considered before.
Empower them with the knowledge and skills they need to stay safe. Tell them about all the incredible medical professionals who are working to make the sick well again and all the scientists working to create a vaccine.
Explain that everyone feels worried sometimes. Tell them that if they feel concerned or a bit stressed that this is normal. Agree to some actionable steps in case they feel this way. In these circumstances both talking to a parent and distraction techniques are great. B and M love listening to a funny audiobook (the ruder the better) or watching something fun on the TV.
Involve them
Ask for their views on the kinds of things they’d like to do to help. You can also remind them of actions they can take to make a difference – like eating healthily and the importance of exercise.
Agree some actions together, such as creating a schedule for who is going to feed the pets or making a ‘how to wash your hands’ poster and place it on the wall by the sink.
Kids are far more creative thinkers than adults, harness this positively. M is intent on making ‘a new potion medicine’ whilst B is thoughtfully creating a list of things that we can cook based on what we have in our cupboards.
Relish routine
In times of uncertainty, the ceremony of routine becomes more important than ever. It’s gloriously predictable, gives momentum and stops over-thinking. Stick to the usual routines of mealtimes and bedtimes. If you decide to do some homeschooling (and this is very much a personal choice) devise some kind of schedule – it really can give purpose and help pass the time on the long days in lockdown.
Assign responsibilities, set time limits and agree when things will happen. You don’t need to go all military, but structure is a good thing because it makes kids feel safe as they know what to expect. The most successful teachers are those with clear boundaries and high expectations where kids can thrive.
Long, drawn-out days lacking in structure might seem fun at first, but the novelty will quickly wear off. That said, maintaining a difference between weekdays and weekends is a good thing. We all need some downtime.
This is an on-going job: keep the door open
Stay committed to the task at hand. Check-in with your kids regularly and keep them updated on developments if they ask. Assure them that they can approach you at any time. Talk about things often and use your discussions about coronavirus and lockdown to lead on to other topics of interest, this is one of the magical joys of being a parent – you can never be certain where a conversation might lead when interacting with young enquiring minds.
Continue to communicate with the outside world, don’t exist in a vacuum
I’ve decided to somewhat relax the rules I’ve previously had in place regarding mobile phones. I’m a staunch believer in keeping mobile phones away from kids for as long as possible and I read widely about this. However, I’ve had to give a little on this during these strange and unusual times.
Both B and M now video call their friends every couple of days and B has taken to texting a couple of them – all from my phone. I’ve let them know that this is OK during lockdown but that we’ll be reverting to the normal way of working once this is done with.
I allow a set period of screen time each day, but I still monitor this closely. E-safety remains a high priority.
You may find that your kids will worry about family and friends and the people in their network. Allowing them to keep in touch is a positive way to manage this anxiety.
Coping skills
These are challenging times. No doubt about it. The truth is that you simply won’t be able to eradicate all fears and anxieties from your kids’ lives – but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A vital aspect of parenting is the upskilling of your kids, enabling them to cope with both the good and the bad, the fun and the somewhat scary. This is one of life’s key skills. Resilient people can traverse the landscape of life far more successfully than those who lack such coping skills.
Right, I’m off to enjoy a delicious three-course meal lovingly prepared by B and M from the depleted stocks of our cupboards and freezer. I’ve been informed that I need to dress for dinner. The champagne bucket is out, homemade chefs’ hats are at jaunty angles, the ambient music is one and the table is laid as if Her Majesty herself was popping round for dinner. All I can do is hope and pray that the mince in the spaghetti Bolognese is cooked.
Wish me luck.
Stay safe.
