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I learned something profound today.
How you look doesn’t matter. How you feel about the way you look does.
I’ve got to admit, simple as this is, this is life-changing for me.
Spurred on by a change of career, all the chatter on LinkedIn and social media about branding and personal image, being the wrong side of 40 and not having spent much time on my clothes in, well, forever really, today I spent the day with a personal stylist.
It was a birthday gift I had requested from my husband because, err, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hadn’t really given it much thought other than:
- it’ll be nice to spend a day on me
- a good friend, who I trust, recommended it to me
- it’ll be good to be given a bit of a shove in the right style direction
…… and, well, that was pretty much it.
For as long as I can remember, I have had nothing to wear despite having wardrobes (yes, plural) full of clothes, stuffed in fact.
I despair.
My husband despairs.
My kids, on the other hand, love it. Despite the tidy scene from the outside, once you open the door and enter the depths, it’s entirely possible to have some kind of Narnia-type experience in there.
The Issue
My clothes have always been a hodgepodge of different sizes, cuts, colors, and styles. There is no strategy, theme, or a sense of purpose. They are just a collection of things that I thought were ‘OK’ when I bought them.
However, usually, immediately after getting them home, I realize that they’re not right. In the poor lighting of my home, they don’t look like they did in the shop, and I certainly don’t like the way they look on me.
But I never throw them away. Oh no! That would be sacrilege. I keep them ‘just in case…’. No matter how much weight I gain, or how old they are. They are there. Forever. Just in case.
Despite this, I still have nothing to wear.
Strike that. I have nothing that I am happy to wear.
The Day
I must admit that as the day approached, I did begin to feel a little apprehensive and embarrassed.
Initially, the imposter crept in:
“I don’t have racks of designer clothes – they are all high street purchases! Who am I to go to a stylist?!”
I began to freak out a little when the emailed instructions that arrived ahead of the day informed me that I needed to take lots of things with me to show and discuss.
Euurggghhh!
I find packing for one night away stressful, let alone summarizing the contents of my wardrobe for someone to scrutinize.
Finally, I was embarrassed. To spend the day on my appearance felt self-indulgent, vain, and frivolous.
Anyway, off I went, not knowing quite what to expect.
Well, we did several things
- reviewed my colors
- explored my ‘body architecture’
- reviewed my personal style and existing wardrobe.
But really – I didn’t do this.
Well – this was just a tiny part of it.
What did I REALLY do?
Something far deeper and much more profound.
What did I REALLY do?
Something far deeper and much more profound.
What did I REALLY do today?
Like every human being on the planet, my adult life is imbued with the experiences of my childhood. They echo through the decades of my existence. Some great and beautiful, some less so.
Being honest, I have always had issues with weight and my physical self. However, I am a total hypocrite.
These issues only apply to me – no one else.
I don’t care what anyone else looks like and I really couldn’t give a stuff what size or shape anyone else is. I love and am attracted to people for being people, regardless of what they look like. Yet, like many others I suspect, this open-minded love does not apply to me, myself.
Why? I’m not 100% certain, but I have a few ideas.
I recall being in the netball team at primary school and my high-vis ‘Centre’ bib being a bit snug. Another time I had to stand on the floor on the back row of the class photo while everyone else stood on a bench. I spent my teenage years accompanied by Rosemary Conley and ‘The Hip and Thigh Diet’ and loads of other junk along the same lines.
Size Shame
I think, if I’m honest, I’ve always had a sense of shame about being ‘big.’ At just shy of 5”10, roughly a UK size 16 and fairly Amazon in stature, I stand out in a crowd, and I’m fairly imposing and ‘big-boned.’ I’ve heard it all.
I guess, over time, this has been amplified by societal norms. For example, it was a bit tough for a girl with my build to grow up amidst the 1990’s heroin chic.
It’s only now that I am older and wiser than I have been truly able to explore this and be comfortable with digging into it a bit further.
A coaching conversation with a fantastic coach first got me on this path a couple of weeks ago. Exploring some of my fundamental beliefs, I was shocked to uncover that I love having such a significant physical presence, and I started to embrace this a little.
I so wish I could turn to that 14-year old me and tell her to chill out, stop listening to too much Crowded House and put down the dry-roasted potatoes.
To admit that I have been living a lie has been a bit humbling.
“Yes, it’s true. Beauty is only skin deep – but this doesn’t apply to me. Only the rest of the world and everyone else in the universe.”
How ridiculous.
Untrue Assumptions
And honestly, that’s what today was about.
Exploring these nonsense assumptions that I had hard-wired in my head, and slowly, bit by bit, unpicking and dismantling them and replacing them instead with true, liberating ones.
Today I reflected deeply. I explored some of my inner-most fears and recalibrated those thoughts which have haunted me for the last 30 years. I was supported to find ‘me’ and how to express myself visually.
In the words of Nancy Kline:
“…untrue limiting assumptions are stupid. So, don’t believe them. Don’t count on them to guide you. And don’t act on them. Find the true liberating ones to replace them. And use them to think instead.” Nancy Kline, More Time to Think (p213)
Hence today was far from self-indulgent, vain, and frivolous.
It was emotional, and while being good fun, it was incredibly challenging to me personally.
No. I didn’t feel silly or vain. I felt liberated. Free to explore that person who I’ve always wanted to be.
It was transformational, and it has changed my life.
As I get older and a bit wiser, I am starting to see that unless I look after myself properly, I can’t show the care, love, and attention that I want to give to other people. You put on your oxygen mask first for a reason.
Additionally, facing this untruth with openness, honesty, and integrity has been transformational for me in my work as a coach.
I’ve been a bit concerned that as a coach, it’s not right that I get a touch of imposter syndrome now and then, that I have insecurities, foibles, and untrue assumptions running riot through my brain. Yet, my thoughts on this have now changed.
Having a deep level of self-awareness about them, and a desire and ability to work through them openly and honestly is what builds my coaching authenticity.
We are all a ‘work in progress.’ Even the coach.
So, What Did I Learn Today?
Well, loads of things.
- I shouldn’t wear black. Blimey. Who’d have thought it!? Bang goes 90% of my wardrobe then!
- It’s OK to buy things that fit me now because a good tailor can take them in if/when I lose weight. (Wow. This one was a game-changer.)
- If I buy things now that are too tight, then it is a waste of money. Modern clothes do not come with enough of a seam to be let out.
- When shopping for myself, don’t even think about taking the kids with me. (Yup. That one’s stored in the memory bank.)
- It’s great that I am ‘larger than life,’ a bit OTT, dramatic and ostentatious. There is a way that I can dress to suit this – even for an Amazon like me. I’m not the kind of gal to be trussed up in a sensible suit.
How you look doesn’t matter – even for me.
How you feel about the way you look matters enormously.
Having the confidence to express, on the outside, who we are on the inside, is utterly empowering.
The real power in this is that it frees up space in your head for other, often more important, things. Heading out the door first thing in the morning and feeling miserable about the way we look isn’t good for anyone.
I am not naïve enough to think that I am fully ‘fixed,’ but today I made a heck of a dent in my issues.
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I really enjoyed this Holly, finding out who you are, being happy with that and exploring what you think of you is a major life long journey that we don’t do enough as we often find ourselves making things right for others, self care is often the first thing to go!!
Keep them coming
Jo x
Thanks Jo. I’m really pleased that you enjoyed it. It does take a lifetime with twists and turns and lord knows what else along the way! I absolutely agree, making time for ourselves is vital if we really want to add value to the lives of others, without it we all burnout eventually. I really appreciate your support and encouragement – thank you ?.