Narcissism: A Behind the Scenes View

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It’s safe to say that Narcissists are impossible to ignore;  impressive, imposing, charismatic, charming, and attention-grabbing. You will mostly find them at the center of the room, surrounded by a legion of fans, all vying for their attention. They want you to adore them, admire them, and want you to want to be like them. They usually believe that they are fully deserving of this attention and question when they don’t get it.

Signs of Narcissism

To date, scientists are not clear why some people are affected by these traits. As with other conditions, many factors are believed to play a part, including genetics and childhood experiences. However, interestingly the presence of narcissism in adolescence does not mean that this will necessarily transfer to adulthood.

Narcissism exists as a spectrum with some on the lower end of the continuum, a chunk in the middle, and the diehard narcissist, most likely diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), stubbornly stuck at the other end of the spectrum. The fact is that we are all on the spectrum somewhere.

Glenn Geher Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the State University of New York, reports that most people sit squarely in the middle with few at the extremes.

The Number of Narcissists is on the Rise

Interestingly, research indicates that the number of narcissists is on the rise. Now, of course, just like crime statistics, this could be because we are diagnosing (or reporting) more. Also, the trappings of a social-media-savvy society make it much easier for those with narcissistic traits to emerge and be seen. Some social commentators even claim that modern-day parenting is making narcissists out of our children as a result of the sheer volume of attention showered upon them, which is quite different from previous generations.

It’s highly probable that we will encounter people with higher than average narcissistic traits at some point in our lives. However, those at the extreme end of the spectrum are rare.

The Benefits of Narcissism

Being around a narcissist can, at times, be enjoyable. They are highly competent, charismatic individuals who are fun to be around. Freud considered in depth the benefits of narcissism in childhood, and the notion of ‘self-love’ as a critical part of development, which was then followed by the Ego Ideal. Accomplished psychologists Erich Fromm and Carl Rogers examined these concepts further. They both argued, with their own interpretations, that to be truly happy in life and to be able to love other people, we need first to be able to love and respect ourselves.

Some psychologists state that a moderate amount of narcissistic behavior can be beneficial to our well-being. Researchers now discuss the concept of ‘adaptive narcissism,’ which is characterized by an appropriate level of self-confidence, self-sufficiency, leadership traits, and an ability to cope with social anxiety. Those with adaptive narcissistic traits worry less about some of the life details that can cripple others. These people are likely to be better equipped to get on in life. They have the self-confidence to apply for the next promotion, attend the exclusive social event, and generally put themselves forward for things when others might struggle.

But what about those relatively rare types who are simply narcissistic? How do we know if we are dealing with a full-blooded narcissist?

Narcissism Signs: How to know if you are dealing with a narcissist

There are no medical tests that can ‘diagnose’ narcissism. Instead, therapists have to use their expertise to observe and identify a range of behaviors, character traits, and social interactions to determine the likelihood of narcissism. It is not an exact science, and all the inherent characteristics of narcissism do not have to be present to secure a definitive diagnosis.

On a daily basis, it is highly unlikely that we will come into contact with an extreme narcissist or someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, it is highly probable that we will encounter those with developed traits, which are more pronounced than those in the center of the spectrum.

When considering if someone we interact with is a narcissist, it’s not necessary to spend time pouring over their behaviors and analyzing their every move. As therapist and narcissist specialist Margalis Fjelstad Ph.D. states she uses the ‘duck test’:

“the duck test—that is, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck.”

As a little aside, you can also ask the suspected narcissist how they feel about themselves. They will usually tell you that they feel pretty good about things and won’t mind admitting it.

Unless we are professional therapists, it is not our job to diagnose, treat, or offer guidance to a narcissist. However, we do need to learn how to interact with them so that we can protect ourselves adequately. It’s worth pointing out here that there are a lot of highly skilled professionals who can offer help and support if you find yourself in a personal relationship, inherited or voluntary, with someone you suspect to be a narcissist.

Narcissism Traits

We can summarize narcissism into three main traits:

• The need to be admired, respected, and adored
• A lack of compassion and empathy for others
• A sense of self-importance.

Additional characteristics commonly present also include: 

• A predisposition to have a fantastical imagination that sees them as the hero of the story
• A belief that they are the envy of other people, as a result of their unique qualities
• A belief that they have the right to be treated differently than others
• Arrogance.

Further Signs of Narcissism

This list is not exhaustive and, depending on the context, narcissists can exhibit a broader range of traits that fall into this type of behavior. In her article, 14 Signs You’re Dealing With A Narcissist, Margalis Fjelstad Ph.D. outlines these in great detail. In addition to the list of common traits above, she also describes the following as common occurrences:

Superiority and entitlement

Narcissists insist on being at the top of the life hierarchy. They are the most skilled, competent, and adept and need to be in control of everyone.

Exaggerated Need for attention 

Narcissists need to be the center of your universe and require constant validation of their superior status. The irony here, though, is that they will never be truly satisfied as deep down they harbor deeply anxious thoughts about their self-worth.

Extreme Perfectionism 

Which in turn leads to a constant state of dissatisfaction and disappointment.

Need for control

Which is characterized by a deeply held belief that it is their right to be in control. Fjelstad asserts: “You are a character in their internal play, not a real person with your thoughts and feelings.”

Lack of responsibility

Despite the desire to be in control, narcissists do not accept responsibility and instead seek to place blame on others. They take credit for the good stuff and blame the negative on others.

Lack of boundaries

Narcissists believe that they are entitled to whatever they want. They do not like to be told ‘no’ and can become manipulative when this happens.

One-sided emotions

Narcissists are unable to see the importance or value in the feelings, beliefs, values, and opinions of others. You don’t matter at all. In the words of Fjelstad: ‘They cannot look at the world from anyone else’s perspective. They are essentially emotionally blind and alone’. Working as part of a team is virtually impossible.

Fear

Narcissists live in fear of being ridiculed or rejected. Often, they have irrational fears. These fears often isolate the narcissist, so that s/he is unable to form close bonds or relationships because of the risk of rejection. Similarly, they often hide deep feelings of shame.

Anxiety

Narcissists are anxious people. They either obsess about the bad things that can happen or project this onto others and blame them for being negative or unsupportive.

Source: Summarized from Margalis Fjelstad Ph.D 

What to do if you are dealing with a narcissist

So, how do you effectively interact with someone you suspect to be a narcissist?

Well, the critical thing to recall is that we are all on the narcissistic spectrum somewhere and that this means that we all have some traits that we exhibit. Most likely, these will be adaptive traits and will be of benefit to us, so for starters, we can use these skills to tune up our protection strategies.

Strategies to Deal with a Narcissist

1. Don’t set yourself up to fail

Research shows that narcissism is very hard to change. Of course, if you are involved in a close personal relationship with a narcissist, then it’s worthwhile seeking specialist advice and support from a coach, counselor, or therapist.

If the narcissist in question is simply a boss, colleague, or friend, don’t waste your time trying to change them. Instead, decide to either accept them and interact accordingly, or to remove yourself from the situation.

You can use the outline of character traits above to work out an appropriate strategy tailor-made to the person in question.

If they are your boss, admire their accomplishments, tell them how wonderful they are, and actively listen to them. While this might be tedious, it’s not that hard to do. It is essential to make sure that you are as authentic as possible here. Treat this strategy as a simple approach to meeting someone else’s needs to secure your welfare. This is unlikely to be a long-term solution; make sure that you make decisions to protect yourself from prolonged exposure.

2. Be realistic about what you want and align it with what they want

Narcissists are big fans of the concept of quid pro quo and will bargain to get what they want. The issue here is that if you don’t get in there first, narcissists will generally accept their side of the deal and move on – leaving you standing empty-handed.

As we have learned in this article, narcissists generally want to look good. If the relationship and transaction enable this, then you will likely have a willing partner.

The issue here is that you need to get your side of the deal fulfilled first. Be unrelenting in this. It doesn’t mean that you need to be ruthless or unprincipled but be realistic about what you want and stand up for this in a polite yet assertive fashion. A narcissist will generally respect you for this. Make sure that you deliver on your side of the deal – do not compromise your integrity.

3. Help them to be at their best

Narcissists want others to like them, and they want to look at their best all of the time. Bear this in mind when interacting with them. If you suspect that you have a narcissist as a colleague, frame your interactions and their work around this and see what impact it has.

Better still, go one step further and try and combine the narcissist with benevolence – in other words, find a way to get the narcissist to get their validation and public applause from helping others. It’s a win-win situation.

Conclusions

Despite any potential short-term benefits of narcissism, such as making a charismatic first impression and the rapid climb up the promotional ladder, the benefits of being a narcissist are time-limited.

Research has shown the leaders with strong traits of narcissism are neither trusted nor popular. They lack moral integrity. When difficult things need doing that lack PR appeal, narcissistic leaders will generally shy away from joining in. If it doesn’t benefit their reputation or the way that others positively perceive them, then they simply won’t do it.

Similarly, those involved in a personal relationship with a narcissist may experience a fairy tale whirlwind romance for the first few weeks, but this will change as the narcissist grows bored. They will become increasingly unhappy, and so will you.

Using the strategies outlined in this article will help you deal more effectively with the narcissists you encounter in life. Remember, if it gets personal or it’s affecting your well-being, take action, and don’t let the situation linger any longer than necessary. Interacting with extreme narcissism can be emotionally damaging, and we must protect ourselves.

A quick note on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

NPD is a more extreme form of narcissism. People with NPD are hard to miss for the simple fact that they don’t try to hide. On the contrary, people with NPD are often totally convinced that they deserve special treatment. They are the most extreme narcissist you will find.

Defined by their self-importance, they are egotistical, self-serving, and persistent. Someone with NPD will actively seek out your admiration. They will be unable to accept criticism or defeat easily. A diagnosis of NPD means that a person behaves in this manner irrespective of the context they find themselves in. Symptoms of those with NPD are far more extreme and excessive.

Treatment and therapy for those with NPD are, as one would expect, a complex and ironic puzzle. Narcissists don’t generally go looking for help. They usually present with an imposing and impressive superiority and a defense that means they struggle to acknowledge their issues. For those with NPD, psychotherapy can help develop their skills in communicating and connecting with others.