What Is Passive Aggressive Behavior? (And How To Deal With It)

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Passive aggressive behavior can be observed in many different guises. However, it can generally be described as non-verbal aggression demonstrated through other negative forms of behavior.

Have you ever been really mad or upset with someone but not told them? Instead, you allowed this anger to consciously or sub-consciously leak out, for example, by banging pots and pans around the kitchen.

Similarly, have you ever been a situation where the verbal communication appeared to be normal but the feeling in your gut told you otherwise?

Both of the above are incidences of passive aggressive behavior.

Passive Aggressive Definition

The term ‘passive aggressive’ is derived from the fact that the aggression, although felt by the victim, is seemingly hard to identify because it is subdued, non-violent and, often, hidden by the aggressor.  Manipulation will frequently be used.

Passive aggressors will often show you that they are angry and upset, although they may tell you that they are ‘fine’. For example, they might:

• be monosyllabic or sulky

• not engage in conversation and go quiet

• give angry looks that appear hostile

• become non-compliant

• refuse to take part

• pretend that they don’t understand

• seek to confuse others.

These traits can be both clearly observed and obvious or can be more nuanced, subtle, and hard to identify.

In the latter case, this is where the aggression is being hidden by manipulation.  The words and the deeds may appear friendly and polite, but the feeling that you are left with is the exact opposite.

In these situations, it can be very difficult to explain the issue to another person, as examples of aggressive behavior are hard to identify and qualify.  The overwhelming majority of us have been on the receiving end of this type of behavior at some point in our lives.   This kind of manipulation is a favorite of bullies and is common in those with a jealous streak.  We all know them – they will often leave you feeling offended or smarting you but you won’t quite know why. You won’t be able to put a finger on it.

What does it mean in reality?

Passive-aggressive behavior is a form of emotional abuse.

It is poisonous and damaging.

It erodes trust and leads to the creation of toxic environments.

The negative energy that exists as a result of passive-aggressive behavior is harmful to emotional health and mental wellbeing and can create potentially explosive situations.  Victims will feel vulnerable. They require constant approval and positive reinforcement from others as their sense of self-worth has been eroded. Others will ‘snap’ and lose their temper.

However, it’s safe to say that we all exhibit this kind of behavior from time to time and that this is perfectly normal.  This does not make us passive-aggressive people. Passive-aggressive people are those who exhibit this kind of behavior frequently as part of their professional and personal relationships.

Examples

The seasoned passive-aggressive can be quite the expert when it comes to exhibiting their behavior in a manipulative way. Often we will feel that we are imagining things, that we simply don’t know them well enough or that we have interpreted them wrongly.

The limbic brain (also known as the paleomammalian cortex) does a great job of telling you what’s really going on. Responsible for our emotions, memories, and stimulation, the limbic brain gives you that gut feeling when something is off-kilter, in this case when someone is behaving in a passive-aggressive way.  Trust these feelings – don’t ignore them.  Too many people try and rationalize these gut feelings as trivial and insignificant – they are not.  Originally, the limbic brain was designed for survival, to keep us alive when there was danger about.  Really, it does know what it is doing.

As outlined above, some examples of passive-aggressive behavior are really easy to spot.  Others, less so.  More manipulative examples of passive-aggressive behavior include:

• avoidance and ignoring

• evading and procrastinating

• awkward and obstructiveness

• making excuses, being unclear and non-committal,

• being full of woe, with a ‘poor me’ attitude, playing the victim

• seeking to blame others

• withholding, deliberately not doing things

• getting things wrong on purpose, or acting like they can’t cope

• despite pretending otherwise, deliberately withholding emotional warmth and connection, for example when the smile doesn’t reach their eyes.

Why Do People Behave in a Passive-Aggressive Manner?

There are lots of reasons why people exhibit passive-aggressive behavior.  Some people feel the need to protect themselves and this is often based on their past experiences.  These experiences are far-ranging and varied and are totally unique to the individual concerned.

Often, those with deeply personal experiences involving feelings of rejection, insecurity, and low self-esteem develop a coping mechanism that can sometimes manifest as passive-aggressive behavior.

Similarly, those raised by parents who exerted a high level of control, for example by being particularly strict on rules and behavior, can also exhibit passive-aggressive behavior. After all, a silent rebellion or passive resistance was probably the only way to express their emotions in childhood. Children will demonstrate this behavior when asked for compliance for a particular rule, which is then given albeit begrudgingly.  Have you ever asked a grumpy child to do something in a hurry?  You usually get the opposite response!

For those who have a childhood littered with these experiences, highly skilled passive-aggressive behavior often ensues in adulthood.

Issues Caused by Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is unproductive and emotionally exhausting for all parties concerned.

By behaving in a passive-aggressive manner, you are not communicating clearly, and allowing others to understand your emotions.  Instead, they will be confused and your thoughts will be misinterpreted.  By behaving in this way, you actually inhibit clear communication.

Furthermore, passive-aggressive behavior actually damages relationships on a much deeper level as it creates tension and conflict.  Victims of people who demonstrate passive-aggressive behavior will feel angry, upset, resentful, and be deeply offended.  These kinds of emotions are incredibly unproductive. They can lead to potentially explosive situations where people behave irrationally, fuelled by negative energy which is escalated by a lack of understanding and clarity.  In short, they feel that they are unwittingly in an unjust situation.

Those on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior can also be overcome with feelings of guilt – although they are often not clear what they are guilty of!

In short, passive-aggressive behavior is toxic because it creates powerful negative energy without a clear cause.  This leads to feelings of insecurity, deep unhappiness, and frustration.

How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Yourself and Others

Despite often being deeply entrenched as habitual practice, there is in fact lots that can be done about passive-aggressive behavior both in yourself and others.  Follow these tips on how to deal with it:

1. Recognize it:

Make a concentrated effort to recognize passive aggressive behavior and, in your own mind, be conscious of it.  Be understanding that this behavior usually prevails because of issues in the past.  Deal with the situation rationally and pragmatically. Do not allow your emotions to be fuelled by the behavior of the aggressor.  If you are exhibiting the behavior, notice when you are doing it, try to understand why and take action to correct it.  Often this will mean removing yourself from the situation and ‘stepping out’ to observe your behavior from the vantage point of another person. Be honest about what you are doing and devise some corrective actions.   Ask someone you trust to help you with this if necessary.

2. Be Honest:

Be honest – both with yourself and others.  If you are the agressor, take some time out and deeply reflect.  If you are the victim, think carefully about how you might approach the aggressor (if possible) to explain how you feel.  Pick your moment carefully.  Don’t seek to blame, merely explain the impact of their behavior on you.  Talk about yourself and not them e.g. instead of “You make me feel……” use “I feel….”.

3. Be Proactive:

Encourage proactive behavior in yourself and others.  Cultivate an ethos of openness and honesty where everyone is allowed to express their point of view in a supportive and balanced way.

4. Don’t be a Victim:

Don’t be a ‘victim’ – either as aggressor or as the one on the receiving end.  If you find yourself exhibiting passive aggressive behavior try to depersonalise the situation and respond in a calm, polite and well thought-out way.  If you are the victim, trust what your gut is telling you.  Don’t let yourself be treated in this way.  Don’t feel guilty or responsible for the behavior of someone else. Instead seek to address it politely.

5. Maximise your Toolkit:

Learn to be resilient.  Passive-aggressive behavior is very common.  You will encounter these people regularly and we all exhibit this behavior from time to time ourselves.   Learning to deal with it and being resilient in such situations is a great skill to have in your toolkit.