How to Understand the Dynamics of Relationships Using Transactional Analysis

Part 1: How to use Transactional Analysis to understand human behaviour

(Reading Time: 10 Minutes)

I’d not seen her for twenty-five years.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, I bumped into her in a supermarket.

I’d never really understood why we lost touch.  She was one of my best friends.

So, when that chance meeting happened, we were both amazed and delighted. It all came flooding back – the familiar jokes, her wonky dimples and those stupid voices we used.  

We quickly exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up. A couple of weeks later, I went to her house and had a cup of tea in her lounge.

And that’s where it all went wrong. 

I cracked a joke, an old one we used to share as kids.  She didn’t find it funny. 

In a heartbeat, the atmosphere changed. Comforting warmth turned to an icy chill.  She didn’t want me there anymore.    

We concluded things as quickly and politely as we could. It was stilted and awkward.

I left.

We never messaged again.

It upset me for weeks.  I couldn’t understand what I’d done wrong. 

When Communication Breaks Down

A breakdown in communication is a common occurrence all of us can relate to.  We often hear people speak of things being ‘taken the wrong way’ or people ‘biting our heads off’.

Sometimes we shrug them off with only a backwards glance. Other times there is deep emotional hurt.  Unintentionally upsetting someone you care about is distressing.  Similarly trying to work effectively with someone you struggle to connect with is exhausting.  It can be a source of stress and anxiety – especially if that person is your superior.

Communication interruptions can happen quickly from nowhere.  Such incidents are seldom the product of anyone’s intentions, and we’re left non-plussed about why it happened and what to do, or say, next.

Worse still if you’re on the receiving end of a barbed comment, you’re left reeling with shock and a whole bag of confusing emotions.

But why does this happen? What’s this really about?

Well, according to the theory of Transactional Analysis, these disturbances happen when people are communicating from different parts of their personality, known as ‘ego states’.  This means that we might not be fully present in our conversations. In other words, we’re subconsciously interrupted by a past experience which is impacting on our current behaviour.

This article will show you how to use Transactional Analysis to improve your relationships and interactions with other people.  It will help you understand why you have become the person you are today and how this affects the way you relate to others.

This is a series of three articles.  Part 1 introduces Transactional Analysis, the different ego states and the most common transactions.  Part 2 will look at communication that requires ‘decoding’ where there is a sub-text. Finally, Part 3 will look at our ‘life scripts’ and the unconscious beliefs that we formed in our childhood about our identity and destiny.

If I’d only known about Transactional Analysis on that fateful day in my friend’s lounge, I could have saved myself weeks of heartache.

Transactional Analysis

Transactional Analysis is a brilliantly accessible system of psychology that will help you to understand your interactions with other people.  It explains why you think, feel and behave the way you do.

Initially developed by Canadian psychiatrist Eric Berne in the 1950s and 1960s, Transactional Analysis seeks to explain human behaviour. As Berne himself summarised:

The model is easily accessible because of its logical and practical approach.   Transactional Analysis enables you to take control of yourself, your relationships and your issues.

Berne believed in ultimate autonomy, that we can all choose the life we want to live, and that we don’t have to live the life that our past programmed us to live.   

Transactional Analysis demonstrates that our potential is compromised by things that we were taught and experienced in childhood.  These ‘unconscious scripts’ hold us back, and we repeat behaviours, thoughts and feelings.

As Berne says:

Because we all can think, we are responsible for the decisions we make.

We can work through our repeated behaviours and develop the tools we need to find creative solutions to our problems. We can take back control of our lives.

In other words, change is possible.

You don’t have to live a life which is determined by your past.

The Origins of Transactional Analysis

Berne was not the first psychiatrist to attempt to explain human behaviour.

Before Berne, Sigmund Freud had outlined the multi-faceted components of personality comprising of the Id, Ego and Superego. Freud had proposed a need for balance between these constituent parts to promote good mental health.

Instead, Berne believed that it was the interaction and conflict between these aspects of our personality, regardless of what we call them, that gives rise to our behaviours, thoughts and feelings.

Berne’s approach was pioneering.  Instead of Freud’s simplistic approach of asking questions to the client about themselves, Berne believed that observation revealed the true nature of our problems.  By observing communication, which he called ‘transactions’, it is possible to glean from our words, body language and facial expressions the nature of our issues.

Berne was also heavily influenced by the work of neurosurgeon Dr Wilder Penfield. Penfield extensively researched the function of the brain in recording memories, feelings and emotions.  He found frontal lobe stimulation enabled people to recall memories which the individual was unable to remember on his or her own consciously.  These memories exist beyond our awareness, stored inside our minds.

The storage of memories includes a factual recount of what happened. But, crucially, feelings and thoughts experienced at the time are also stored.  When we replay experiences, we recall the sequence of events and the emotions – in other words, we feel the same as we did when the incident initially occurred.

The Basic Elements of Transactional Analysis

Transactional Analysis is founded on the principle that we all need nurturing (physically and emotionally) and that we behave to achieve this.

Communication between individuals, termed ‘social intercourse’ or social action, sits at the core of Transactional Analysis.

A ‘transaction’ is the unit of social action, in the words of Berne:

The action taken by individuals in a transaction is known as a stroke.  A stroke can be verbal or non-verbal.  People exchange strokes in a transaction.

Inspired by the pioneering work of Psychoanalyst Rene Spitz in his study of abandoned infants and child development, Berne proposed that a baby’s need for physical nurturing persists into adulthood. Just as babies need care, attention and intimacy to function healthily, so to do adults.

However, as adults, these needs have been adapted to be satisfied in different ways – predominantly through recognition.  The strokes offered to a small child in the form of hugs, and physical displays of affection are replaced in adulthood by a smile, a verbal exchange, eye contact or body language that demonstrates some sort of acknowledgement.

Berne was clear that any stroke, even if it’s negative, is better than no stroke at all. That’s why we hate to be ignored. We all need strokes to satisfy the need within us to connect and receive mental and physical stimulation.

Ego States

Berne repeatedly observed that people change throughout a conversation.  These shifts are not only verbal but also involve facial expressions, body language and other non-verbal changes.  Berne refers to these changes as different ego states.

Our entire personality consists of three ego states: Parent, Adult and Child. 

These ego states explain, in entirety, the thoughts, feelings and behaviours exhibited by a person at any given time.

Ego states are the foundation of all transactions.  It is possible to observe the ego states in action when we interact with others.

We communicate with others from a particular ego state, and we continuously move from one ego state to another.  Our behaviour, thoughts and feelings change according to the ego state we occupy.  As Berne explained:

Because we can easily observe our transactions and the ego state that we occupy at a given time, Transactional Analysis enables us to be fully aware of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

This conscious understanding enables us to change and ultimately interact with other people in more constructive and harmonious ways.

The Three Ego States: Parent, Adult, Child

 Parent – Based on the past and things that we have been ‘taught’;

The Parent ego state replicates all behaviours, thoughts and feelings copied from parents and parental figures.

The experiences stem from roughly the first five years of life.

Recordings of external events are stored by the brain as seen – without analysis, judgement or any kind of filter.  These include things like:

“Always say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.”

“Sit properly at the table.”

Adult – Based on the ‘here and now’; things that we have ‘learned’ to help us interpret reality

The Adult ego state develops from the child’s ability to process information from different sources.  The Adult gathers information and can make rational and logical decisions based on the ‘here and now’.  When we are in our Adult ego state, we are calm, confident, open, thoughtful and attentive.

Child – Based on the past; emotions and feelings we ‘felt’ in our childhood.

The behaviours, thoughts and feelings of the Child ego state reflect our internal responses to external events.

Recordings occur in early childhood, roughly up to the age of five years old.  These include things like:

“I was frightened when the dog barked.”

“I feel safe when my Dad laughs and hugs me.”

Who’s Showing Up?

Each ego state has its strengths and weaknesses, and all are deserving of equal respect.  To live a full and productive life, it is vital to exercise our Parent, Adult and Child.

Our behaviours, thoughts and feelings depend on which ego state we find ourselves in.  We behave unproductively when one ego state causes an imbalance.  In such instances, we can recover from this by activating another ego state.

Our Parent ego state is crucial for the survival of the human race.  This ego state often works on autopilot, making decisions which release pressure on the Adult so that it can deal with more essential matters in the here and now.

Our Parent can be seen in two forms, nurturing and caring, and also critical and controlling.

We must not overlook the advantages of the Child ego state for it brings spontaneity, creativity and pleasure.  Those who find themselves living a deeply solemn life may struggle to activate their Child.

The Child can also show up in two forms, as the wilful, excited Free Child or as the defiant or helpless Adapted Child.

The Adult ego state plays a crucial role in our survival.  It deals with the outside worlds and regulates and mediates between the Parent and Child.

Despite the similarities in function, our ego states are unique between individuals. They regularly feature in our lives, and it’s important to know what they look like.

They can be triggered easily and quickly.

Have you ever responded to a situation quickly without thinking? It’s because an ego state was activated.

Three Types of Transaction

Transactions occur when the ego states of two people interact.  The transaction can be verbal or non-verbal.

One person initiates the communication (the stimulus) and the other replies (the response).

Transactional Analysis comes to life when we note which ego states were responsible for our interactions because we can then understand why things go great or why they fail.

In Transactional Analysis, there are three kinds of transactions: complementary, crossed and ulterior. 

In this article, we will look at complementary and crossed transactions.

Complementary Transactions

In a complementary transaction, reasonable, effective, healthy and harmonious communication takes place.

One person initiates communication (the stimulus), the other replies (the response).

The exchange is as intended and anticipated; positive stokes traded.  Each person feels recognised and valued.

Adult (Stimulus): I like your shirt!

Adult (Response): Thank you! It’s a new purchase.

Or:

Child (Stimulus): OMG! That man was on the bus was so rude to me!

Parent (Response): Forget it — it doesn’t matter. Let’s go and get a coffee.”

In both transactions, everyone is happy and feels listened to and appreciated. Strokes are exchanged.  The ego states interact harmoniously.

Remember the ego state does not correspond to chronological age.

The most straightforward transactions occur between Adult-Adult and Parent-Child.

Such transactions follow a natural order and can continue indefinitely and for as long as transactions remain complementary.  The content of the discussion is irrelevant, as long as the ego states remain complementary.

You know when you are in the midst of a complementary transaction.  The interaction feels natural yet genuine and meaningful.  You feel heard and appreciated.

Crossed Transactions

Alas, not all transactions are healthy.  A crossed transaction will cause communication to break off.  Complementary transactions can be easily disturbed by a crossed transaction.

The most common crossed transaction the world over occurs when the stimulus is intended as Adult-Adult, and the response is Child-Parent, although different ego states can be at play in crossed transactions.

The vectors (lines on the diagram) cross.  This can happen quickly, suddenly from nowhere.

A comment from one ego state triggers a response from a different ego state.  It explains why people ‘take things the wrong way’ or people ‘bite your head off’: the stimulus is directed at one ego state, another responds.

Let’s revisit our previous scenarios and look at some alternative outcomes:

Adult: I like your shirt!

Child to critical Parent: Really?! Are you making fun of my clothes?

Or

Child: OMG! That man was on the bus was so rude to me!

Adult to Child: “I’m not surprised! I just saw how you stole his seat!

By stepping into a different ego state than anticipated, the response fundamentally changes the dynamic of the communication. Suddenly all is not well.

In the first example, Person 1, communicating from the Adult ego state, expects a response from their partner’s Adult. Instead, they are surprised by the Child who has been triggered. The response is snappy and conflict occurs.

In the second example, Person 1 is looking for sympathy from their friend — the Child looking for support from a nurturing Parent. Unexpectedly, they receive a blunt observation from their partners Adult. The Child ego state will feel bruised and hurt — the response does not meet their expectations or needs.

To resume communication, we must realign the vectors. 

This can happen almost immediately or can take weeks or months, depending on the situation. You know when it’s a case of the latter.

Restoring Order Using Transactional Analysis

When a crossed transaction occurs, at least one person has to shift ego state to restore order.

If you are puzzled, try and move to (or remain in) your Adult ego state.  Be present in the conversation in the here and now. Listen to what they are saying, stay calm and be patient.

By practising the application of Transactional Analysis, you will begin to understand and be able to identify different ego states at play.

It’s possible to gain an in-depth knowledge of people that we are closest to.  We can learn to spot our partners Child (or even our boss’s!), and we can respond accordingly.  We can apply increasing levels of skill as we become more adept.

Importantly we can actively choose which ego state to be present in.  Lighten the mood when you need to by adopting your Child; be calm in your Adult; show them you care by being in your nurturing Parent.

For those of us who get upset easily or lose our tempers quickly, this newfound knowledge can be life-changing. When you consciously stay in your Adult, a different world appears.

What next?

The permutations of different transactions are infinite.  The best way to learn and develop your understanding of Transactional Analysis is to apply it to your everyday existence and see what you notice.

Remember to look beyond the words – at body language, emphasis, tone, eye contact.

Transactional Analysis is an incredible tool to help you manage your communication and your relationships.

Not only can you respond more constructively to other people, but you can also be vigilant and ensure that you remain present in your Adult even when your whining adapted Child is shouting and screaming on the inside.

You will find yourself more able to meet the needs of others. You can spot the patterns in relationships where you have ongoing issues and, critically, you can formulate a plan to ensure that this doesn’t happen again.

In the heat of the moment when a crossed transaction occurs:

• Stop and observe: What ego state are you in? What ego state is the other person in?
• Ask yourself: Which ego state would be most beneficial at that moment?
• Action: Step into the desired ego state.

Observe and experiment.  You will be amazed at the difference Transactional Analysis will make.

In Part 2, we’ll look at ulterior transactions and the hidden meaning behind words.

So, what happened in my friend’s lounge?  The silly joke that I repeated had triggered her Child ego state. Emotion ignited, to her, I was suddenly the Critical Parent, and she responded in her Adapted Child.  Did I ever fix it?

Yes.

A year or so later, my Adult called her and apologized.  Harmony restored.

References

Berne, M.D., E. (1964). Games People Play. Penguin Random House

Harris, T. (1973). I’m OK — you’re OK. Penguin Random House.

Further reading from The Rediscovery of Me

Ulterior Transactions: The Hidden Depths of Our Realtionships

What Is Passive Aggressive Behaviour? (And How To Deal With It)

How to Handle Passive Aggressive Behaviour in a Relationship

5 Signs That YOU Are The Passive Aggressive Problem

Further reading from across the web

Wikipedia biography of Eric Berne 

Wikipedia biography of Wilder Penfield

Wikipedia biography of Rene Spitz

Eric Berne website