Ulterior Transactions: The Hidden Depths of Our Relationships

(Reading Time: 6 Minutes)

Ulterior transactions are all about us. You just might not recognize them. Yet.

In this series’s first article, we examined the nuts about bolts of Transactional Analysis and how we can use it to understand and even improve our relationships with other people.

In this article, we will focus on the most complex transactions – where there is more going on beneath the surface of the spoken word.

When All is Not as it Seems….

We’ve all been in one of those conversations where it’s hard work.

It’s stilted, awkward, and exhausting.

The conversation doesn’t flow, and you have to work hard to keep the momentum going. There is no natural order. Instead, it’s stuttered and forced.

Such conversations are all about the ‘unsaid.’ The real message is hiding beneath the surface of the social interaction.

In Transactional Analysis, we call these interactions ulterior transactions.

Ulterior Transactions

Ulterior transactions happen all over the place. They can be both pleasurable and painful.

Flirtatious games are a classic example of an exhilarating and enjoyable ulterior transaction.

Try as you might, you cannot bring yourself to tell that gorgeous creature in the juice bar that seeing them is the highlight of your week.

Instead, you fumble awkwardly with your words, trying to act all funny and relaxed because you don’t care – you’re cool with it all (Do you seriously expect us to believe that?!).

On the inside, the story is very different. It’s excruciating and pleasurable all at the same time. The dance, or ‘game’ as Berne terms, such interactions, is utterly enthralling.

It’s a Mixed Bag

Sadly, ulterior transactions are not always so enjoyable.

On other occasions, the existence of a sub-text is downright unpleasant. There is no fun in these games. You can cut the atmosphere with a knife. You feel awkward and unsafe. One wrong move could be fatal. There is some form of aggression at work, but no one is quite clear where it’s coming from.

Ulterior transactions are common and are found widely in our personal and professional lives. They’re easy to spot because the words don’t mean anything. The real message is hiding amidst the body language and the ‘unsaid.’ They are accompanied by feelings that are at odds with the spoken words.

So, what’s this all about? Why do we end up in these situations? And, most importantly, what can we do about it?

To dive into the details, you must have read the first article in this short series. You can read it HERE.

Games and Ulterior Transactions

Our entire personality is comprised of three different ego states, as shown in the diagram below.

The Structure diagram in Transactional Analysis.

As we have seen, complementary and crossed transactions occur when two ego states interact. Let’s take a recap from the first article.

Complementary and crossed transactions in Transactional analysis

Unlike complementary and crossed transactions, which involve two ego states in each stroke, ulterior transactions occur when three or more ego-states interact at the same time.

In other words, there is more at work than appears on the surface. There is a sub-text that requires decoding.

Berne was clear that we can communicate on two levels – what we say (the social message) and what we mean (the psychological message).

In ulterior transactions, the spoken social message is a cover up of the real psychological message which is hiding beneath. Both messages are conveyed at the same time.

Understandably, such interactions take up a lot of energy and are emotionally draining.

There are two kids of ulterior transactions:

Angular transactions involve three ego states.
Duplex transactions involve four ego states.

In both Angular and Duplex transactions, the Social message is typically Adult-Adult, the psychological message is Parent-Child, Child-Parent, or Child-Child.

Angular Transactions

Angular transactions involve three different ego states simultaneously. Berne often claimed that those who work in sales are usually adept at deploying ulterior transactions. Take a look at the following examples:

Angular ulterior transactions in transactional analysis

Example 1:

Social Message (overt spoken words):

Salesperson (S): “This is the top of the range model.”

Customer (R): “I’ll take a look at it, please.”

Psychological message (covert message):

Salesperson (S): “I’m not sure you can afford this…. …”

Customer (R): “How dare you! I’ll show you I am as good as anyone else!”

Example 2:

Social Message (overt spoken words):

Friend 1 (S): “Oh no! I’m so sorry my daughter bit your son!”

Friend 2 (R): “That’s OK! They’re just kids.”

Psychological message (covert message):

Friend 1 (S): “I can totally understand why my daughter just bit your son – he deserved it!”

Friend 2 (R): “OMG! I am horrified by your child’s behavior! I hope he bites her back next time!”

Decoding

In the first example on the surface, at the social level, the salesperson states a fact, “This is the top of the range model.” These words are directed at the customer’s Adult, whose Adult would reply, “Yes, I can’t afford that; let’s look at something cheaper.”

Alas, the experienced salesperson skilfully directs the psychological message to the customer’s Child ego state. The Child is triggered and quickly responds.

In the second example, Friend 1 does what is necessary and socially acceptable to apologize on behalf of her daughter for biting the son of Friend 2. The Friend behaves accordingly and responds similarly.

At the psychological level, this is dangerous territory. The Adult of Friend 1 is sorry but is prepared to justify her daughter’s actions. The Child of Friend 2 is triggered and wants revenge!

When you feel like someone is manipulating you, it’s usually because an angular transaction is at work. These often happen: from the colleague who guilts you into helping them at work to the friend who asks for help with childcare. You can usually spot an angular transaction by reflecting on how you responded. When you revisit your actions, your Adult would likely prefer a different response. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. Passive-aggressive people are a big fan of this kind of transaction.

Duplex Transactions

Duplex transactions involve four different ego states simultaneously. Everyone is clear about what’s going on. They are common in games of flirtation and childlike behavior. Look at the examples below.

In a duplex transaction, everyone plays along.

Duplex Ulterior Transactions in transactional analysis

Example 1:

Social Message (overt spoken words):

Alex (S): “Shall I walk you to your car? It’s dark out there.”

Chris (R): “Would you mind? I get scared easily.”

Psychological message (covert message):

Alex (S): “Let me protect you. I’ll never let anything happen to you.”

Chris (R): “Please protect and look after me, you gorgeous thing!”

Example 2:

Social Message (overt spoken words):

Friend 1 (S): “I really need your help fixing my car this evening.”

Friend 2 (R): “No problem. I’d love to help you out.”

Psychological message (covert message):

Friend 1 (S): “Wanna take some time out and have a beer?”

Friend 2 (R): “Hell, yes! I’m in!”

Ulterior Transactions: What’s This All About?

When you are on the receiving end of an ulterior transaction, you will feel it. You might not be able to put it into words, but your senses are triggered. You will likely feel uncomfortable and confused. In the case of flirtation, this can be pleasant or distinctly unpleasant when interacting with a passive-aggressive person or an assertive salesperson.

It’s essential to be aware when you are subject to an ulterior transaction because they lack authenticity. All is NOT as it appears on the surface. Caution is needed when engaging in these kinds of interactions. You might get more than you bargained for. Surprises are common.

Caution

Even in transactions where all participants are willing, caution still needs to be exercised. Be careful of what you’re getting yourself into. Your interpretation of things may differ from the other person. Unless the contract is explained using the spoken word, there will always be an element of uncertainty. Can you think of a time where a seemingly enjoyable situation suddenly went sour? This is a classic example of a duplex ulterior transaction gone wrong. The participants interpreted the transaction differently. It’s that time when ‘going back for a coffee’ really did mean ‘going back for a coffee.’

People who deliberately initiate ulterior transactions may not be aware of the long-term impact of their actions. They are seldom trusted; their relationships are tense. Like the boy who cried wolf, they are still viewed with skepticism even when they decide to speak with openness and honesty. People will always look for the underlying message, even though there may not be one. People in this situation will often feel that they are mistreated. The fact is this situation is entirely of their making. People in this position struggle to form intimate relationships.

Why Do People Behave in This Way?

Ulterior transactions originate in early childhood. People who practice this behavior learned early that they were not able to express themselves freely. It was not OK to not be OK.

Instead, a figure of authority actively encouraged a ‘stiff upper lip.’ The child had to put on a ’front’ and act as if everything was fine, even though they might have been feeling the exact opposite on the inside. As research has shown, emotion suppression is seldom a successful strategy. In this case, the smiling face and the spoken word were at odds with the real message unconsciously leaking from the body language. While the child may become proficient in smoothing out the rough edges of this behavior as they grow and develop, it perpetuates in a more sophisticated form in adulthood.

What Can We Do About It?

Ulterior transactions are exhausting and stressful. To best way to deal with them is to remain aware of what you are dealing with. Dial-in your Adult and speak with honesty in the present moment. Don’t get drawn in or attempt to play the game. While this won’t be easy, and there will be times where you get carried away and look back afterward with hindsight, it does get easier with practice.

No matter how difficult it might be, the most effective strategy is to keep things simple: say what you mean.

What Next?

In the third article, we will explore the notion of ‘games’ – a series of transactions with a ‘concealed motivation’ for one of the participants. This is where the fun starts!

This article will be published soon!

References

Berne, M.D., E. (1964). Games People Play. Penguin Random House

Harris, T. (1973). I’m OK — you’re OK. Penguin Random House.

(Reading Time: 6 Minutes)

When All is Not as it Seems….