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The average person will spend around 30% of their whole life, and roughly 50% of their total hours awake on a typical working day, at work. Hence, it’s really important that we are happy and able to thrive in the workplace. Dealing with passive aggressive behavior at work is, at best, exhausting, and at worse, utterly demoralizing and destructive. Let’s take a closer look at the strategies we can use to deal with the passive aggressive boss and coworker.
Passive aggressive behavior is the non-verbal expression of anger and aggression. Passive aggressive colleagues will use a wide range of strategies to get back at people, although their colleagues are often unaware of their real intentions. Take a look at the earlier article to see some passive aggressive examples of what this might look like.
Passive Aggressive Behavior At Work
In order to hold on to our jobs, we all have to behave appropriately at work; we all have to ‘follow the rules’. The passive aggressive colleague or, worse still, the passive aggressive boss, will openly give the impression of ‘playing the game’ and complying. However, this will be subtly nuanced with a slight whiff of non-compliance: doing things slightly late, working on their own thing often at odds with their colleagues (Oh! But they thought they were doing the right thing….cue: time to feel sorry for self) and even sometimes, deliberately sabotaging things.
For those of us with a passive aggressive boss this can include cultivating a culture in which team members are unhealthily encouraged to compete with one another, giving you the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, limiting access to ‘confidential’ information or asking you to do things that sabotage their boss so that they don’t get the blame. Having a passive aggressive boss can be an incredibly isolating experience.
So, What Can You Do About Passive Aggressive Behavior At Work?
1. Be Ready
Although it may take a bit of time initially to work our that your boss or colleague is in fact a passive aggressive person, once you have them clearly identified you can rest assured that they don’t often change. This is often because many of them don’t realise that they are the passive aggressive problem. Unless they work this out and make a conscious decision to change, it’s highly likely that you are stuck with this behavior for the long haul. Hence, you need to be prepared.
Passive Aggressive Coworker:
Be under no illusion that this is what they are. Accept it. Try not to take what they do and say personally. Have the right mindset when dealing with them – don’t waste emotional energy on getting upset or angry with their behavior. Address the problems when you need to in a professional way and ignore what you can. Don’t expect them to miraculously change because they won’t. In time, you will learn to expect their typical behaviors.
Passive Agressive Boss:
This is a slightly different proposition because they are in the power seat – not you. However, by being prepared you can work on the front foot and not the back foot. When instructions are issued make sure that you immediately clarify their expectations, responsibilities and desired outcomes. Where possible get this in writing from them. Be clear by holding them to account for what they have asked of you – help them to own their decisions.
2. Don’t Ever be Tempted to Stoop to Their Level
We are all human and it’s easy to retaliate before we’ve even had a chance to think about it. Be strict with yourself in this. It is a waste of time and energy and you can run the risk of others thinking poorly of you for exhibiting this behavior.
Passive Aggressive Coworker:
In short, let them get on with it. You don’t have to like everyone that you work with you just need to be able to work with them effectively. We cannot be friends with everyone. It’s not your job to make people change, thus the behavior of your colleague is really not your business. Stop focussing on their personality and simply focus on getting the job done. Of course, be polite and caring, but there is no need to get emotionally involved. When the office grump tells you that ‘they are fine’, great. Leave it at that and move on.
Passive Aggressive Boss:
Don’t ever be tempted to get into a game of tit for tat with your boss. If can be very tempting when they are really winding you up – but don’t do it. Chances are that everyone will know, even if they don’t say it out loud, what your boss is like. Be the bigger person. Let them openly take credit for your work – other people will know the truth and this will make them look like a fool, not you. Take the moral high ground. As soon as you stoop to their level you become like them, and once you’ve started behaving like this you can’t take it back. Stick to your values and normal behaviors.
3. Be Skilled in Managing Them
Calling out the unproductive behavior of colleagues and even your boss is fraught with danger. Sure, in a high performing team with excellent working relationships this is good practice. However, if doing this in your working environment makes you feel sick, then do what your gut tells you and avoid it like the plague. Instead, be savvier.
Passive Aggressive Coworker:
Take some time to watch the behavior of your colleague. It’s highly likely that you will observe their passive aggressive behavior with others in the team. Once you’ve seen this it’s much easier to overlook it. Be the calm and rational one who is always polite and pleasant. Give them space and let them approach you when they need something. Don’t engage with them unless they ask you too. Allow them to think that they are in the driving seat. Stick to your values and do not compromise.
Passive Aggressive Boss:
Frustrating but true, but its best to figure out what you can do to make your boss feel safe. Yes, it seems wrong that you have to treat the person who manages you, and is no doubt paid more than you, like this but its a great way to deal with their passive aggressive behavior. Always deal with your boss in a neutral mode and be pragmatic. Don’t make it about you and how they make you feel. Do your best to make them feel safe. Be the solid, rational pragmatist who remains cool in a crisis.
4. Work as a Team
In the vast majority of cases, you will work with others who feel the same way about your boss or coworker. In this instance, it’s important that you don’t spend time gossiping about them behind the photocopier, instead use the collective will of the team in a positive way.
Passive Aggressive Coworker:
Don’t ever seek to isolate people but ensure that the collective practices of the team are stronger than the whims of the individual. This can grow over time by growing a healthy team ethos, culture and normal way of working. For example, at the next team meeting suggest a working practice that would make life easier for everyone. Ask everyone to try it out for a set period and then discuss it at the next meeting. Go with the general team consensus, not the views of individuals. This is a great way to get others to slowly conform.
Passive Aggressive Boss:
In team meetings make a point of ensuring that everyone is clear of expectations and responsibilities. Get everyone including the boss to articulate this verbally and specifically. This way you boss has to be clear of what s/he is expecting from the team. It’s harder to change the tune in an underhand manner when everyone heard in the first place.
5. Have a Big Heart
Passive aggressive behavior usually comes as a result of anxiety and often low self-esteem. Often, passive aggressive people are dealing with issues from way back, often in childhood, in which they were unwilling participants. So, whilst your boss might be a total jerk now, he was likely once a scared little boy. Passive aggressive people are often lonely, anxious and full of self-doubt.
The Passive Aggressive Coworker:
Sure, don’t get drawn into their silly games but do have a heart. The passive aggressive coworker is probably an emotional wreck on the inside, despite the layers of bluster and aggression. Try and remember this when they are driving you mad. Open your heart and show compassion.
The Passive Aggressive Boss:
As frustrating as it may be, its a similar situation for the passive aggressive boss. Of course it’s not fair – but life isn’t sometimes. Yes, they might earn more than you and maybe even be less competent than you, but everyone deserves your kindness. After all, we’re all human.
Further Reading:
Interested to find out more? Have a read of these articles from across the web:
Dealing with a Passive Aggressive Boss
5 Strategies to Help Direct a Passive Aggressive Boss
Further reading from The Rediscovery of Me
What Is Passive Aggressive Behavior? (And How To Deal With It)
The 5 Definitive Signs of a Passive Aggressive Person
5 Signs That YOU Are The Passive Aggressive Problem
How to Handle Passive Aggressive Behavior in a Relationship
